Whatever happened to plot lines?
by Kaythara
Summary: A group of random oneshots to show off my short attention span. I'm taking requests!
1. Rodeo

**Rodeo**

Inspiration: Garth Brooks

Disclaimer: I do not own _Harry Potter_, the song _Rodeo_, or Wrangler jeans.

Summary: Harry is rodeo wise, Hermione loves them cowboys, everybody admires Ron's bravery, and he's terrified.

(The song is in **bold**)

**His eyes are cold and restless **

Ron looked around with wide eyes, kind of like a cat chased into a corner with a pitcher of water. "Why am I in cowboy clothes?"

Hermione didn't meet his 'OMG, water!' eyes when she answered, "It's definitely not because Wrangler butts drive me nuts."

**His wounds have almost healed**

Ron rubbed his bandaged cheek and turned to Harry. "Why did you hit me with that 2x4 anyway?"

"Chicks dig scars."

**And she'd give half of Texas  
Just to change the way he feels **

Hermione looked up at him with imploring eyes, like a cat being chased with a pitcher of water looks at the owner. "You're not really going through with this are you?"

"Go through with what? Harry still hasn't told me why we're in America, why these guys are making me wear chaps, or why I have this slip of paper that says "Widow Maker". Did I win a prize?"

"Oh Ron!" gasped Hermione. "You are so brave!"

**She knows his love's in Tulsa**

Ron suddenly gets slapped. "How could you choose that wench over me?"

"Er, sorry."

**She knows he's gonna go  
Well it ain't no woman flesh and blood  
It's that damned old rodeo **

"How could you choose this stupid game over me? I thought we were stronger than that!"

Harry placed a comforting hand on Hermione's shoulder. "It's not a game, it's an obsession. You can't compete with that."

**Well it's bulls and blood**

Ron, who by now was extremely confused, looked round in time to see a gate swing open and a huge, rampaging mass of painful death come bucking and twisting out of the chute. "Bloody hell! Why is thatbloke on its back? Surely he didn't mean to go up there." At that point the cowboy got thrown over the bull's shoulder and fell over a horn. "Oh, that's not right."

Harry watched the rodeo bull fighters as they pulled the guy off of the generally pissed off bull. "And they call me a hero. Those are the bravest men I have ever seen." He saluted the nearest clown as he shook his butt at the enraged animal.

**It's dust and mud  
It's the roar of a Sunday crowd **

As the next rider was announced, the crowd went wild. A huge sign bearing the words "Weasley is our King" could be seen.

As a look of horrified dawning spread across Ron's face he asked, "They didn't just call _me_ did they?"

**It's the white in his knuckles**

When a group of cowboys, including the king of rhinestone cowboys, Draco Malfoy, came over to get him, he screamed and held on to the fence as tightly as he could.

**The gold in the buckle **

Malfoy's dinner plate sized buckle caught the lights in just the right way to shine a blinding spotlight directly in Ron's eyes. He let go of the bar to shield his face and the Slytherins in cowboy hats drug him off to the chutes. His last coherent thought before he started kicking and screaming was this: "At least they didn't make me wear pointy-toed boots like Malfoy's."

**He'll win the next go 'round **

They threw him on top of a truly evil-looking black and white bull with giganterous horns.

"You'll do fine, Ron. Do you want to know why?" said Hermione.

He nodded.

**It's boots and chaps  
It's cowboy hats **

"Cuz you're damn sexy like that!"

Hermione slapped Goyle. "That was my line, stupid."

**It's spurs and latigo  
It's the ropes and the reins **

A rope was forced into his hand as they strapped equipment to the snorting Widow Maker.

**And the joy and the pain  
And they call the thing rodeo **

**She does her best to hold him  
When his love comes to call **

Hermione started to jump up and down like a psychotic cat trying to catch a yo-yo. "Oh, Ronald, don't do it! You could be killed!"

"Okay! Just get me off . . ."

Harry solemnly cut him off. "The man's put his mind to it. There's nothing you can do now."

**But his need for it controls him  
And her back's against the wall  
And it's "So long girl, I'll see you."  
When it's time for him to go**

"No, no, no, no. I want off. Please, Hermione, help me!"

**You know the woman wants her cowboy ****Like he wants his rodeo **

"I know you love it, Ron, and I love you. 'If you love somebody, set them free.' I learned that from _Hogwarts: A History_."

**Well, it's bulls and blood**

The gate swung open and Widow Maker lurched forward.

"Oh . . . bloody . . . hell!"

**It's dust and mud **

The bull twisted and turned, bucked and kicked, causing dirt to fly everywhere.

**It's the roar of a Sunday crowd**

"I love you, Ronny!"

"DAMMIT, Goyle!"

**It's the white in the knuckles**

Ron held on tight as he thought, "I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die!"

**The gold in the buckle**

A whistle sounded and the crowd went insane as Ron tumbled off and landed, miraculously, on his feet and ran like mad. Fortunately, this is how the professionals do it.

**He'll win the next go 'round **

"96 points?" shouted Harry. "He won! YEE-HAW!"

**It's boots and chaps  
It's cowboy hats **

"I'm so proud of you! And Wrangler butts _do_ drive me nuts!" screamed Hermione.

Goyle nodded wisely.

**It's spurs and latigo  
It's the ropes and the reins  
And the joy and the pain **

The pale red-haired cowboy fell over from the shock and grinned up at them all. At that point, the bull decided to be make Ron likeaTuff Hedemanand brought it's hoof crashing down on a, uh, _very_ sensitive area causing a scream that shattered Harry's glasses.

**And they call the thing rodeo **

**It'll drive a cowboy crazy  
It'll drive the man insane **

(Next Weekend) "I am the greatest! Y'all watch me win another buckle. Woooooooooo!"

**And he'll sell off everything he owns  
Just to pay to play her game**

"Entry fee? I have a magical wand and a hyperactive owl. Will that work? No? How 'bout a prefect's badge too? Wicked!"

**And a broken home and some broken bones  
Is all he'll have to show **

Ron lay in a hospital bed with a body cast on. Hermione was in the middle of a long-winded conversation. ". . . and that's why cowboys are hotter than other guys. Anyway, you sold my books to pay, so it's over."

"Ah, crap."

**For all the years that he spent chasin'  
This dream they call rodeo**

At the finals, our freckled cowboy picked up a guitar and microphone and said, "One more time!"

**Well, it's bulls and blood  
It's dust and mud  
It's the roar of a Sunday crowd  
It's the white in them knuckles  
The gold in the buckle  
He'll win the next go 'round  
It's boots and chaps  
It's cowboy hats  
It's spurs and latigo  
It's the ropes and the reins  
And the joy and the pain  
And they call the thing rodeo**

**It's the broncs and the blood**

The announcer . . . announced, "Next up, bareback bronc riding. Y'all give it up for Harry Potter!"

Wha! said Harry as the supreme rhinestone cowboy and his cronies in pointy boots made their way over to him.

Hermione hopped down from the shoulders of the two country singers (we'll call them Joe and Kenny) carrying her. "Oh, Harry, you're a cowboy? I love you!"

**It's the steers and the mud  
And they call the thing rodeo**

(A/N: It makes me disturbingly happy to call Malfoy a rhinestone cowboy. Please review! Not all of them are going to be song fics. What do you want to see next? I'm open to suggestions.)


	2. Harry's Letters

**Harry's Letters**

Disclaimer: I own nothing, but the sudden vision which is explained in the first letter. Go Chuck Norris!

Summary: Everybody is a little off, but Harry who still calm. Onward!

Harry Potter was not a normal boy, but that doesn't matter right now as he had a large number of letters waiting for him. He began reading and replying right away.

_Dear Harry, _

_You will NEVER believe what I dreamed last night! Voldemort was running around cackling maniacally. He was wearing a red beanie. I don't know why, but he totally was. And he looked kind of like Chuck Norris. When did I even see Chuck Norris? Anyway, he had all his dark magic with them. They looked like midnight blue smurfs with black hats and trousers. Their shoes were purple and sparkly in a menacing way. They were toilet papering houses at Grimmauld Place and he was cackling like the Wicked Witch of the West. Oh dear. My head is just pounding away like a war drum. That potion was stronger than usual. I wish you were here to hear my giggle. I mean, manly chuckle. I think I may try flying. Think happy thoughts right? That chair looks like a good place to start. _

_Check you later,_

_Moony_

Dear Professor Lupin,

Are you feeling alright? I think Snape must have put something in that potion. You should test it before you take it again. Please don't try flying in your current state and if you have, you number the number to my house. I'll send somebody to take you to St. Mungo's because I don't think you should try Apparating either.

With concern,

Harry

P.S. I thought you should know that the Voldemort in my dreams now looks like Chuck Norris in a beanie. He seems more likely to beat me up for littering than to kill me for anything. Thank you. I can sleep better now.

_Dearest Harold,_

_Dost thou feel thy best? I am doing splendidly. Sir Ronald has professed his deepest love for moi. Since then I have been drawn into the language of Shakespearian theatre, though not in all entirety for I cannot rhyme. Isn't it absolutely spiffing? I should go now as this is more boring than Quidditch._

_Fare thee well,_

_Hermione_

Dear Hermione,

Harry is not short for Harold. Everybody saw the, er, profession coming. That is all I have to say.

Harry

_Harry like OMG,_

_What up? Hermy is like totally mine. So freakin' cool huh? Like wow! It's like so totally awesome in its totally total awesomeness of totality. Do you know what I'm saying? It's like wow, you know? I'll let you go now cuz I need to like stare at her and some junk._

_OMFG,_

_Ron_

You frighten me more than Voldemort does.

_Dear PlayWizard,_

_I was worried when I, uh, _read _your magazine, if you know what I mean. I don't think some of the pictures in there are supposed to be in there. One of the Hogwart's professors, Minerva McGonagall- _

Harry then dropped the letter before reading further, sealed it, readdressed it, and sent it off to the right people. "Oh perfect!" he said turning slightly green. "Now I'm gonna have nightmares about Voldemort "Texas Ranger" and . . . ew, no."

(A/N: The author has disgusted herself and is going to stop now. I may try some more letters later on if you like them. I haven't got the slightest clue how to use "dost", "thou", and all that. Ignore that and review. I'm taking requests.)


	3. Terrible Crimes

(I should point out that these are random one-shots and are in no particular order.)

**Terrible Crimes of Fan Fiction**

Inspiration: Terrible serious fics and hilarious parody fics

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop poking me dammit! mutters Frelling Becky. OK, so I own nothing; no Potter characters or that Farscape curse. On the other hand, I think I own myself.

Summary: Some of the horrid crimes committed by those who think putting themselves, friends, favorite actors, ect. into supposedly serious fictions. Here we go . . .

A tall figure swept into the room of waiting students. He had long blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes, and a heavenly choir, the latter of which he waved away impatiently.

"Alright everybody, I am Professor Greenleaf and I will be your Defense Against the Dark Arts professor this year." He smiled prettily at everyone causing nearly every girl and many a boy to swoon. "Do you mortals have any questions worthy of my gorgeous self?" (author cackles madly. "gorgeous? ha!)

"I do! I do!" A girl with hair as blonde as the elven teacher - though not as shiny of course because she didn't have room in her school trunk for all the hair care products - jumped up and down in her seat with her hand in the air. Needless to say, Hermione did not appreciate someone acting like this before her. She eagan crying hysterically because she had no other purpose than to be psychotically studious.

Legolas raised a carefully plucked eyebrow. "Yes?"

"He said yes! OMG he said yes!" Miss Becky fell out of her chair at this. She hopped up and vaulted over her desk, effectively tackling him. "You're coming with me, sexy!" She then proceeded to drag him into a broom closet.

The whole class watched in stunned silence because the author can't figure out anything else for them to do. The professor fought all the way across the room. "Aaahh, get your mortal hands off me! Oh Valar save me! . ." Miss Becky ignored all of this and stuffed him into said closet followed by herself. A piteous cry could be heard from the closet. "No! That's my shoe! Why would you take my shoe?"

At this point, a girl with dirty blonde hair, hazel eyes, and a shirt sporting a psychotic squirrel swept into the room, put her broom down, and said "Okay everybody out! The author doesn't want the rating to go up so stop crying and get out!" Most of the class was, in fact, crying jealously. "Dammit, wenches! Listen to me!" She ran forward. Straight into the corner of the desk. Most were too confused by these three people to even laugh.

The randomly-introduced girl suddenly realized something. She was the author and could do anything she damn well pleased. "Okay, you and you." She said while pointing to Ron and Hermione. "Kiss . . . Now." She added as they looked at her in bewilderment. Kaythara brandished a pencil and paper at them. "These are the mighty tools of the author. I am the mighty author, Kaythara, and you will obey! MWAHAHAHAHA!"

The two members of the Golden Trio kissed, fireworks appeared overhead, the class cheered, ect. Kaythara steepled her fingers and said, "Eeeeeecellent. Now, Malfoy go to the lake." He did so and was promptly eaten by a large fish.

Miss Becky's head peeked out of the closet. "Dude, your name is not Kaythara."

"I don't care! Now get away from pretty boy before he crushes your dreams and comes out of a different kind of closet."

"He is not gay! Wench! Now get on with the story. I want the rating to go up and take off more than his shoe. I mean shoe? What fun is that?"

"You dare tell me to compromise my integrity? (Because putting myself in a fic of crappiness doesn't do that.) That's it!" She made a swift mark on the paper and Legolas disappeared.

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Er." said Harry. "I don't want to get killed off or anything, but you haven't mentioned me in this whole thing. Could you maybe fix that?"

"Of course, dear." She said in a motherly voice before scribbling madly on her paper.

"Oh so you don't get mad at _him_?" said Miss Becky in a huffy tone. She was still holding the green shoe.

Ignoring this, the author waved the wand that she decided to suddenly give herself. A copy of the _Daily Prophet_ appeared and she handed it to Harry. "Here you go. How is that, sweetest?" she asked, still using the same sickly sweet voice because she can't figure out how else to talk to him, and patted his head.

**Lord Thingy Defeated!**

**_The Ministry of Magic has just released a shocking statement. Apparently the Dark Lord (You-Know-Who, He-Who's-Name-We're-Too-Wimpy-to-say…) has been vanquished once and for all! Cool huh? In another attempt to kill Harry Potter, Lord Thingy and his Death Eaters showed up in the Forbidden Forest. They did this because Potter always manages to get himself in there at night. A fierce battle between Harry Potter and the forces of darkness ensued. He fought valiantly and incapacitated every Death Eater because he's good like that. For reasons unknown, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle, showed up and gave Mr. Potter a novel idea. _**

"_**Hey Goyle! What did you say to McGonagall when she asked about theory of transfiguration?"**_

**_We are not exactly clear on what the response was, but the stupidity of it caused a weak blood vessel in the Dead Lord's brain to rupture. Harry knew about the weakness because he could get into Thingy's mind and, uh, saw it. Because that totally makes sense. Anyways, Potter's an even greater hero and he didn't even have to kill. It was technically Goyle, but he's dumb so he gets no fame._**

Harry looked up happily and said "Rockin'" because that seems like something he'd say following such a thing. "In fact, you're coming with me." He grabbed Kaythara's arm and hauled her into the recently vacated closet.

". . . the Hell?" said Miss Becky confusedly.

Fin.


	4. When Good Sombreros Go Bad

**When Good Sombreros Go Bad**

Disclaimer: Everything you recognize belongs to J.K. Rowling. La Bomba belongs to herself, I hope.

Inspiration: IM with someone called BrdSlly89. Told you I was taking requests.

Summary: A new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor shows up . . . and wants her sombrero back.

Professor Dumbledore, in all his ultimate coolness, hopped up on the staff table and caused several students to fly out of the window and fall into the lake. Why? Because he an. "Okay!" he called to those still in the Great Hall. "I have found you a new professor for that class nobody wants to teach anymore. You know the one. It's cursed and I shall be surprised if another professor doesn't die!"

A young woman with olive skin and long, dark hair looked up in alarm. Many of the boys, the ones who didn't swoon for Professor Legolas anyway, cheered even though she hadn't been introduced yet. "Wait, die? That was NOT in the job description, dude!"

"Oh don't worry. The last one got dragged into a broom closet by a hormonal teenager."

She smiled happily at that and said "Kick ass" before returning to her peaches that she had made low-carb with the Atkinspellio charm

Dumbledore nodded wisely for some reason we shall never know. He's just too smart for us to know what he's thinking. He beamed at everyone and told them, "This is Professor La Bomba! Everybody cheer now."

Much cheering was done and the fic moved to the next scene.

Snape glared at the class because that is his favorite past time. Suddenly, the new professor swept into class with a nice mahogany broom with blue twigs. She strolled over to Draco Malfoy and leaned down until she was just inches away from his face. She thought, _If he doesn't punch me for that, I'm taking points from Slytherin._ In a voice of deadly clam she said, loud enough for the whole class to hear, "I know you've got it, boy. I can get very nasty if I don't get what I want, and I want what is mine. Do you understand?" Malfoy tried his best to look calm, but he is a wuss so it didn't work. La Bomba grabbed the front of his robes and shook him so his tiny brain rattled loudly. "I want my damn sombrero!" She clonked him on the head with her broom and strode to the door.

"Now wait just a minute!" said Snape with a menacing glare. "You can't manhandle students! Dumbledore will lay the smack down on you."

"Why not?" yelled Harry. "You totally beat me up in 5th year! And why am I not the center of this. I'm Harry Potter for crying out loud!"

La Bomba raised an eyebrow of doom. "Crying indeed. I'm cooler than you. Besides, the quest to get my sombrero back is more important than saving the world." Several students nodded. "I'd so love to penalize you for your stupidness, but Malfoy stole my beloved Crunk so five points from Slytherin." She clonked both of them on the head with her broom and, because she can, seized Snape and kissed him right on the lips. Several students gagged into their cauldrons. La Bomba let him go, hit him hard over the head with her broom, and flew down the hall on said scary broom of violence.

Later that day, Harry, Ron and Hermione were walking innocently down the corridors. Well, it would be innocent if it wasn't 1:00 a.m., if they weren't under the Invisibility Cloak, and if they weren't trying to find some odd thing or another that they shouldn't know about. Ron was whispering excitedly to the others. "And then Percy walked in all resplendent in a frilly dress like the one the Chiquita banana lady wears . . ."

A menacing voice came from the shadows. "Isn't 'resplendent' a weird word? I mean, it's like splendid . . . again! Crazy!"

The Golden Trio jumped in three different directions at once, causing the cloak to fall off. Hermione gasped. "Why are you in your underwear, Ron?"

Ron looked down and gasped. "Uh well, it gets hot under there and, er, we're supposed to be invisible!"

Harry gasped. "How did you know we were there?"

Professor La Bomba gasped. It seemed like the fashionable thing to do. "I'm just good like that. Listen guys, I need your help." She grinned in a maniacal way.

"Errrrrrr, k." said Harry because he can't keep from helping. It's just what he does.

"Good boy!" she patted him on the head and gave him a dog bone. "That conniving rhinestone cowboy, Malfoy, stole my best friend. I fear for Crunk's safety."

Hermione gaped (gasping is so three minutes ago) at her. "He stole your friend? That's just wrong! Tell us what he looks like and we'll help."

La Bomba sighed in relief and took a sip of diet Snapple to calm her nerves. "He's kind of round and is decorated with red and green paint. When he's happy, his lights twinkle and fill you with hope." She looked off into space with a dreamy expression. "Oh and he likes to ride on people's heads."

"Hold on!" said Ron. "We have to save a hat?"

"No!" yelled the new professor and clonked him on the head with her infamous broom. "You have to save a sombrero. Say it right!" They all eyed the broom cautiously and nodded. "That's the spirit."

Just then, McGonagall showed up. I guess she heard the broom go CLUNK. "What in the name of catnip is going on here? Do I have to hit something with my cane?"

"Cane?" scoffed La Bomba. "Hahaha, granny! Go get your meds!"

McGonagall stared, flabbergasted, at her. Taking the moment of silence to her advantage, La Bomba hopped on her broom, pulled the Trio up behind her, and zoomed off down to the dungeons. She pushed them off when they got to the entrance to the Slytherin Common Room. "Now go. Go and save my dear friend!" she said dramatically, and sped off to her office.

"Hold on." said Harry. "She's a crazed professor. Why can't she do it?"

Hermione looked thoughtful. "I don't know. I also don't know why we haven't had a DADA class yet."

"Let's get it over with." Said Ron as he hitched up his Wranglers.

As the bravest students in the history of time proceeded on the Quest to Save Crunk the Sombrero, a professor sat in her office sipping on diet Snapple. Half an hour later, they came back with all of Slytherin House on their trail. Professor La Bomba leapt out and screamed, "GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM BEFORE I KISS SNAPE AGAIN!" They all ran away screaming. Except for Malfoy, that is. He was stuck to a magnet by his giant belt buckle.

Harry smiled proudly. "We've got him, and Crunk!"

La Bomba looked at the blonde, who was wearing a giant hat with twinkle lights, and said "Well duh. I can see that even with my cataracts." She snatched the hat off his head and put it on herself. "Okay, now that my work is done I can blow this popsicle stand."

"What?" shouted all three members of the Trio. Harry said, "We risked our butts for you and you're just going to leave? We haven't even had class yet!"

"So?" asked La Bomba. "I'm not even a witch. I just wanted by sombrero. Jeeze, you guys."

Malfoy yelled, "No! I demand satisfaction!" Harry jumped away with a scared look on his face. "Not like that, Potter! Ew. I just want my friend back, my only real friend." He burst into tears.

"Well that's how the cookie crumbles, ferret boy. And just because I don't like you . . ." she took off Crunk and flung him at Malfoy like a Frisbee of death. He ducked just in time and it whizzed on down the corridor. By a happy twist of fate, Cho was at the end of it, crying her eyes out like usual. The sombrero caught up with her and, well "GROSS!" yeah, that.

La Bomba caught Crunk as he came back, jammed him on her head, and flew out of the great oak doors, into the night. As she left she screamed, "Attack my flying monkeys!"

And they never saw her again. Maybe.

(A/N: Um, yeah. I had a list of stuff and that's what happened. shrug)


	5. Frosted Flakes and Tutus With Glitter

**Frosted Flakes and Tutus. With Glitter.**

Inspiration: The site administrator at my favorite Harry Potter RP (Lily Evans). If you like the Marauder era and can make well-written posts go to this site address: http/lilymecrazy. I own nothing, not even the tutu. That belongs to my sister. Everything else is just a disfigured imitation of J.K. Rowling's works.

Summary: Draco is obsessed with cereal, Harry must arrest him. Yadda, yadda.

Harry Potter crept up behind the younger Malfoy in a very creepy way. He had a shiny, colorful badge attached to his shirt that stated he was a trainee in the Department for the Investigations of Cereal Theft. You see, Draco Malfoy was a wanted man; he had stolen the world's supply of frosted flakes. The poor boy had a serious addiction that had no cure because Malfoy's an idiot and the author doesn't want him to have a cure. Anyways, Harry crept up on Malfoy and yelled, "I've come to get you!" because, let's face it folks, the kid's never been one for subtlety.

"Yes, Frosted Flakes?" said Malfoy with a happy, hopeful expression. When he saw who had really called him, his face turned into a scowl rendered pointless by the first reaction. "Oh, what do you want, Potter? Going to hurt me are you?"

Harry suddenly had a fabulous idea. "No. I have some frosted flakes."

"Really?" asked Malfoy as a dreamy bliss spread across his pointy not-Tom-Felton face.

Nodding Harry replied, "Yes. They're . . . they're in that cage."

"I can't see them" said Malfoy suspiciously.

Harry rolled his eyes and sighed in mock exasperation. "That's because I've thrown my Invisibility Cloak over them. I can't have them stolen by Voldemort now can I? Everybody knows he has an addiction; a bowl of delicious frosted flakes after every evil scheming session."

Suddenly, because the author rules all, the spirit of Lily Potter zoomed up to the pair (really zoomed, like a light saber in battle). She smiled sweetly and said, "Hello my darling son. I cannot stay long, but there is some vital information I must give to you." She took a deep breath and continued. "Applejacks are better than frosted flakes."

Draco Malfoy twitched and fell over screaming in pain. "Nyuuu! It's not true!" He crawled over and clutched at Lily's robes. "Tell me it's not true."

"It is true. Now get off me." Lightning from a cloud or something stuck Malfoy and lights flashed before his eyes as his hair went toaster-style.

He fell back, staring at the lights behind his eyelids. "Ooooh. Purdy."

Just then the spirit of James Potter popped up, or out of wherever he was, or maybe he was there all along but just invisible. In any case, he seized Lily and yelled, "Mine! Only I may call down the lightning wrath of my Lilykins!" Lily giggled and they both poofed away.

Harry just smacked himself in the head. "Ow! I mean . . . _those_ are my bloodlines? How did I become so great?" he said in wonder.

Picking himself up off the ground, Draco then vanished away his helpful clone. "Aren't you, you know, happy about seeing them?"

"Psh! They do that all the time. It's bloody annoying if you ask me, Draco." Harry suddenly looked like he had been slapped in the face. "Why did I call you Draco? Kaythara!"

Draco starts channeling the author's spirit after being slapped in the face by the author's trippy powers. "Eh?"

"You're not turning into an H/D fan are you?" asked Harry, looking terrified.

Draco/Kaythara looked shocked and offended. He/she/they said "Definitely not! Draco is just an awesome name is all so you'll be using it, k? K!"

Draco swirled round and round and, when he came to a stop, was revealed to be in a fluffy pink tutu. With glitter. Back to his non-author-possessed self, he smirked. "See? It _is_ a cool name!"

Harry just rolled his eyes and said, "Well anyway, _Draco_, get in the cage!"

"What cage?"

"The cage this crappy fic started out with. You know, the one with frosted flakes."

"Oh yeah! Mmmm, frosted flakes." Draco grinned dreamily and started to drool Homer-style.

"Oh screw it!" yelled Harry in exasperation. He raised his foot, kicked Draco into the temporarily forgotten cage with big combat boots and locked the door.

Draco pouted and plucked at his pretty pink tutu. With glitter. "You're mean. Besides, frosted flakes are like _so_ five minutes ago. Like chya."

Harry simply shook his head at Draco's new attitude and mumbled something about bored authors. The sky flashed menacingly and a vision of horror waltzed its way into Harry's brain (A/N: vision may show up in a later chapter). "AAH! Okay, I love you Kaythara! That time we had in the closet was special."

Pausing in his gazing lovingly at a mirror, Draco glared at Harry. "Special my butt! You stole my Happy Bunny chapstick, weirdo. I'm going to leave a huffy silence now." When the author left this time even after not clearly showing up again, the blond-haired boy had an assortment of barrettes and a box of Trix. "Yay!"

To meet another request of this chapter, Draco suddenly forgot about the Orlando Bloom Barbie doll he was singing too. A shifty, Wormtail-like expression crossed his pale, pointed not-Tom-Felton features. When Harry looked round (having turned around to gag into a bush after the girly doll showed up in the first place), Draco had turned into a ferret! OMG never saw that coming! Neither did Harry because his glasses had fallen off in the gagging fit. Draco squirmed through the bars of the cage, unfortunately leaving behind his fluffy pink tutu. With glitter. Then, more suddenly than anything that had yet happened, the author lost her motivation! Oh no! Harry screamed in anguish as the ferret bit his foot and bounded away squeaking like only a crazy ferret can. He snatched up the tutu and gazed at the chapstick he had stolen from the author. "Oh I shall catch him. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not in any fic relating to this one. But someday I will . . . I will . . . do something with these items and taunt Malf-Draco."

The end. With glitter.


End file.
